In our culture, “discipline” is a word that often carries ugly connotations. People are prone to imagine beatings, grounding, harsh language and anger. But discipline in its positive aspect simply involves an adult being an authority; and it is a way for parents to demonstrate to their children the love and concern they hold for them. Ground rules give children a safe structure within which they can explore and grow. Reigning in their energies prevents over-stimulation and exhaustion. Discipline is one of the cornerstones of healthy rhythm in a child’s life.
Consistency is another. Children will one day enter into the adult world, and they need to trust it. Constructive routines in the home and consistent rules for behavior will help to instill in them a sense that the world is reliable. Parents risk undermining this trust if they vacillate too much in their own attitudes and behavior. Children then experience a world that responds differently to them all the time, and there will seem to be no relationship between their actions and that response. Also they’ll learn that words need not be followed through with deeds.
When discipline is frowned upon within certain circles nowadays, permissiveness seems like the best mode of expressing love to our young ones. But they need to see us as the authorities. If they’re given too much leeway and freedom early on then they won’t develop that inner voice to help discipline themselves later on in life. When parents bid children to do something, the children must do it. Otherwise they’ll begin to experience the outer environment as a world of mere talk.
As our kids grow older then routines and strictures can become more and more flexible. They can start to understand personal responsibility. Eventually – ideally – they will grow to the point where they can rely upon their own sense of what is healthy for themselves. They’ll no longer need to be told.
That understanding grows out of nurturing structure – and those children who don’t have such a structure at home aren’t going to find it in outer society. This is obvious if one looks at the media and entertainment saturating our culture. Even movies that have been approved for young audiences, like nearly everything that comes out of the Disney studios, are dominated by a host of flippant and sassy characters with loads of attitude. Essentially they behave much like over-stimulated kids who never knew healthy boundaries.
I realized some time ago that my son resisted the ground rules that I laid down because he wanted to test my consistency and resolve. If I seemed ambivalent or indecisive around an issue then he would continue to argue. But when I was firm (without resorting to anger), and stuck to my conditions, then he would settle down. He felt that certainty inside, that an adult authority knew what was best for him.
When young people behave antisocially – when this even extends to violence – it’s often a cry for strong boundaries, for an adult to step in and set some limits and not compromise. We do our children a disservice when we’re lax or even when we’re playing at being their “best friend” instead of an authority over them. Discipline, as I’ve said, has often been seen as cold and cruel. But permissiveness often translates to simple lack of concern – a message that reads: “I really don’t care what you do”.
It doesn’t prepare our kids for entering into a world of consequences. Only healthy boundaries, built upon a good foundation of discipline and consistency, can achieve that.